Vox Veritas Gazette
Vol 20 Issue 9.3
Hairgate UNCURLED! Hair expert Jen rates it a “6”
Investigative reporters Brian “On the” Brink(ley) & Jen the Caped Nail Salon Sleuth Crusader have filed their pieces. NOT their nails.
“Do as I say, not as I hair do!”
Nancy Pelosi, the most well coiffed Speaker in recent US history, was the victim of a professional set-up in the City of St Francis. Despite the hoopla of her royal highness, like her slightly older British counterpart, Queen Elizabeth, Queen Aunt Pelosi’s hair cut is rated only a “6” by the nationally syndicated Jennifer. As to her Botox, Allergan has elected to recall any shipments of the toxic botulism to DC and San Fran out of mercy to the nation’s eyes.
Speaking of recall, her nephew, G. Recall Newsom, playing with his new set of 8 crayons from his Auntie Queen P, made nail and hair salons illegal. Though they are incredibly safe and sanitary, Crayon Man claims, due to Plague of Xi, his desire to catch his octagenarian relative in a coup was successful.
Our esteemed reporters caught up with the petty tyrant at his kitchen table in the Getty/Pelosi/Newsom compound. A glass of One Eye Jack wine at the ready, from the only open winery in Taxifornia. And drawing INSIDE the lines about his new tyrannical private sector shutdown rating system.
It was discovered G Recall was upset, TY Brian On the Brink(ly), because his well botoxed 80 year old ancestor refused to get him the more useful (CrayonGate?) box of 64. Jen carefully asked (his toddler inner self is undeniable) questions of the terribly dissatisfied artist:
Jen: “Mr. Newsom, what are you drawing?
GRNewsom: “Well, Jen, really cool colors to help me rule my state of disarray. It’s not easy being the Modulator and king of 40 million subjects. I was bored using phase and numbers; EVERYONE is tuned into color, especially in systemic shutdown race between us Dem state kings and queens.”
Jen: “your royalness G Recall, why must you shut down all private businesses. They are getting desperate, including Erica at the center of the HairGate storm. It’s kind of like you are cutting err biting the tax paying hands that feeds your public sector empire”
GRG: “Jen, we do it ‘for the children’. As you know, I hope to be declared “emperor” soon. Queen Auntie Nancy knew I wanted to make a very confusing misdirection come to life, to keep the surfs in Orange County so confused, Sheriff Barnes would HAVE to shut down sand and waves.
Brian: “Crayon Man, you were quoted: “We don’t put up green because we don’t believe that there’s a green light that says just go back to the way things were or back to the pre-pandemic mindset,” You sound like you are NEVER intending to release the captives. No green?”
Newsom: “Brian, now you see why I really needed that new box of 64 Crayola colors for my coronation. If you look at my spiffy confusing new chart, primary & secondary colors just won’t do. So, yes, I threw one of my petty tyrant tantrums. He heh heh.
And GREEN? Come on, Brian, it’s the most overused color by my radical Dem competition. Even Kamala, when she loses with Jill’s Senile Joe , will marry AOC in a civil ceremony and pledge allegiance to the Green god. I love creating my own religions. And starting rumors. Can you see the headlines: “Harris & Ocasio-Cortez-Harris tied the 161st gender ideology knot, the joining of left of Senate and far left of the House.”
Brian: “Uhh, no, Recall, I don’t see that wedding happening. But your worshipfulness, you have kept all but the state’s church locked down, other than a few upstarts like John McArthur.
Even the bishops of Taxifornia have toed the line of “Yes, my ‘lege, we will stay locked down. Your edict is greater that the proclamation of that ancient Savior (NOT Little Cow Xavier, your court jester) to “Preach the Gospel to all nations”.
GRG: “Brian, don’t get ahead of my fiendish plans. God is who I make Him. Boy, do I hate that miscreant Jay Sekulow and ACLJ quoting Psalms and singing. And, I am only protecting pentecostols and other droplet spewers from themselves.
Catholics are NOT allowed to sing until 2048, when my Humming edict takes effect. Humming does not spread nasty germs; in fact, my “Edict against Voiceologists speaking in more than 3 voices per day” will soon be decreed. Sorry, Brian, you got the Covid so you proved my decrees are needed. No open private businesses until the flu and cold count is down below 1 per day statewide. I love this intoxicating power to be the best asshole of other Dem assholes screwing their people for leftist love.
Jen: “Colds, too? But you set up your Auntie! Isn’t that a bit extreme? After all, she hasn’t been in the House, her hair was stringy, her nails like Vulture talons, and gaining weight eating $100 a pound Ben&Jerry’s.”
KingNewsom: “I created the recession in California. and Auntie was getting in my way. Her assistant called secretly to set up her hair raising appt., and since we bought Obama’s NSA spy equipment and monitor all communications, we caught her red err blue handed. Her call set off my despicable plot.
As you reporters know, the only elective surgeries are allowed, and have happened, not at cutting salons but at planned parenthood’s elite kid cutting mills. They practice safe distancing except of course when they are cutting out the kid like she is a ten inch bunched lock of hair donated to cancer victims. As it is, there is a real need for baby hearts, livers and yes hair follicles. Baby parts sold separately, feed our campaigns…”
Jen: “Yes, your kingship, you talk often about the state church, satans’ temples’ continuing to cut out black baby hearts and livers for campaign dollars for Kamala the Pirate, Queen Auntie and yourself. Parts sold separately, of course. But your OWN beloved Aunt? Throwing her to the dogs”
GRecallNewsom: “Yeah, but she promised me 64. 64 levels, 64 colors to protect the Taxifornians from themselves. And, heh heh heh, I’m getting them as ransom from Auntie. I had my NSA retreads hack into her Amazon Prime account. “
Brian: “Ransom, your future emperorshipness?”
Jen”I’ll bite: what could be so damning?
Newsom: “We caught her, while maskless and getting shampooed, Auntie P musing out loud
“I wish my hair was as nice as Trump’s. I was going to dye it orange but my stylist told me I would be accused of colorful cultural appropriation of Orangeman and admitting he’s the best pro life president in history”
I just hate my Auntie raining on my toddler tyrant parade. I’m getting the 64 today.”
Jen: “Good luck big boy with your big colors box. But, look what you did to Erica the owner.
Let me read her quote, O King Recall: ‘”Hairstylists and other small business owners in San Francisco and elsewhere are doing what they need to do to survive,” said Kious. “The point of releasing this video was to show a woman in a high-risk age group who spends much of her time on TV warning about the dangers of COVID-19, feel safe and comfortable in a San Francisco salon, and can be responsible for being cautious and mindful. Why can’t the rest of San Francisco and the rest of America do that too?’ What say you?”
Newsom: “Great news. Another Taxifornia business is folded and gone: take that Trump. It’s YOUR fault. I just want billions for our public sector pensions and the more we kill off the private sector, the better for the truly productive, essential government employees. As you now see, everything my Queen Aunt touches gets the anti-Midas Crap Touch. Focused on hair, desserts and petty hate for Trump, she is destroying America one business at a time.”
Brian: “Your kingly one, it turns out all the salon employees are gone, eSalon is closed and done; but Republicans have raised $100,000 to help Erica relocate out of the City of St Francis. Apparently, poop will be the last hallmark of that great city where you were mayor.”
Newsom: “he he he! My dastardly plan is working. Need to match up my new color chart. Let’s see: ‘Purple Mountain’s Majesty’ Uhh, “Scarlet”. “Red Orange” and “Canary”. No, last one is “Dandelion”. Gotta go, peeps: important things to do, like how to piss off the bishops more and drive more businesses out of California. Lex Luthor tried using Nukes to create more California coast land, I’m just emptying MY state out the old Dem way: lies, fabrication, deceit and setting up my well preserved Auntie. Miss ‘do as i say not as i hair do’ ” has preached at me since my toddler days…”
Brian in Trump’s voice: “toddler days as in last year?”
Stay tuned for more. Salon owner HairGate is replacing BLM and the Riots. Which replaced Covid. Which replaced the fake impeachment, when they all failed to kill off Trump. All this kerfuffle for a measly “6” haircut. Do as I say not as I hairdo.