Dateline SacraDEMento Volume 21, Issue 1.6
King Newsom, in preparation for pilgrim travel over the holidays, has sent guidelines to all groups planning on visiting his creche in Blessed SacraDEMento for Christmas. “Only 3 households can gather as one. Prepared food on single use paper or plastic and you must be outside, rain or shine. 6 feet separation while eating. IF you must use the toilet, go inside and sanitize.
Traveling from Bethlehem, Magi World Pilgrimages were somewhat concerned about their plans with King Newsom’s daily gatherings rule changes. Assembling their camel caravans loading on three Boeing Jumbos in the Middle East, King Bithisarea, King Melichior, and King Gathaspa, commonly heard as Balthasar, Melchior, and Gaspar or Casper, were confused.
In an MidEast~West Zoom call with King Herod Newsom, these 3 famous Kings explained their astronomers were following the science; having seen this huge orange star moving over SacraDEMento in the Far West during the day; the Wise ones pooh poohed it being wildfire related.
Visibly alarmed, Newsom-Herod asked:
“Hey, Kings, you sure a new King is coming to SacraDEMento? I just took the throne two years ago and thought it was for life. OR until made Emperor of the States United?”
Balthasar: “King Herod, yes, Good News is coming your way. Our astronomers are not politically correct following childish global warnings and spotted the bright sign above your Capitol on the Blessed Sacramento River. It was NOT a digital billboard, for sure.”
King Herod Newsom: “Really. My viziers to my left didn’t warn err alert me of a new King. I thought I had until 2100 when my Aunt Nantoinette was ascending to her “Do as I say not as I HAIRDO” heavenly salon above. Melchior, could you text me the new king’s location when you land at Fairfield?”
Melchior: “Of course, New Herod. As soon as we see the Savior in your kingdom; we are sure the star will settle in place. I’ll message you. However, we were told there are not three wise men nor a virgin to be found in your castle.”
New Herod: “Thank you, we are so humbled He is coming back in our region. I sooo want to worship Him and give Him REPAYrations for how He was treated in your regions a couple millennia ago. Don’t call me AntiSemitic, but the Jews Blood-Libel MUST be repaid in gold and frankencense; you kings have any to spare? Yes, I know no slave masters like my distant ancestor Herod I OR the Jews with bloodied hands are still alive. Yet, we will deMyrrh what the rebellious Israelites will get as punishment. Don’t be a ghost, Casper; make sure you tell me.
Casper:” Not sure when Jesus is returning to earth in your Western kingdom but will do, Herod II!
As to your royal plague of Xi decrees, all will be masked, including our camel transports. We WILL meet outside! And our meals tents will be cleaned, the prepared food served on single use palm branches. Uh, your excellency New Herod, what’s a toilet? Whatever it is, we will sanitize after each use per your royal right to require.”
New Herod: “Please stay 6 yards apart, the Social Distance for other races visiting my land. To ease the royal CovidCops concerns, we must assign three colors to your respective groups; of course no GREEN since my serfs will remain under house arrest forever.
King Balt, your kingdom’s color is yellow… King Mel red and Casper the Friendly Host, please blue all your caravanees. I have been very stubborn reopening the Tragic Kingdom; DismaLand and hope you only bring a few of your respective royal families. I get the hives worrying also your people will sing not hum; all those Plaguelets in the air.
3 Kings of Orient R. “Will do, O great Herod. See you soon”
The Wise MagiMen, with their 300 people entourages each (limited for overseas visits), enjoyed their pilgrimage. The New King’s family appreciated the Divine gifts and their visitors’ trip went without any hitches. Camels don’t need tethers or hitches, running on sun and low polluting fossil fuels and photosynthesis.
But King Newsom, when he found out the 3 Wise Kings left without informing him, he threw his most toddler toddler tantrum ever; other than destroying PumpedUP Jack wine bottles (only vineyard still solvent in his kingdom),King NewHerod stomped on and broke all four of his Crayolas.
Being petty and tyrannical, the Impotent as a Jeffrey Toobin ZooMeet teeny king immediately closed the borders (imagine that) of his Taxifornia kingdom.
Using the usual “for the children” Plague of Xi the Merciless, Newsom’s mentor, as his excuse, the Toddler King jumped up and down on the coloring sticks and book in his castle playroom for an hour. Needless to say, screaming ‘Auntie Nantoinette, I need access’ he also shouted “I need my mani-pedi and hair made perfect for the cams. ALL counties are not Locked down.” Editor’s note: Just the borders for an undisclosed time.
Shouting “There will be NO GREEN for Go! for Covid until I find this King called Saviour. And no, former Catholic Xavier ‘NOT MY SAVIOR’ Becerra, will not miss out on arresting his nemesis, the Son of God. Neither will I” So King Gavin Herod II Newsom sent his CovidCops searching every sanctuary city he could to find the Returning King from the City of Peace. Nada…just like his namesake.
An investigative reporter contributor to the Vox Veritas, contacted the Kings via ZoomDreams to NOT return to King Herod II’s castle. “IF you do return for an audience with Herod II, his grand general, former Catholic NOT MY Savior Xavier Becerra will seek out and destroy the new King to protect his boss, High Priestess Aunt Nantoinette Pelosi’s nephew on the throne.
Xavier has been the ultimate disappointment. Newsom is just following his Auntie’s satanic witchey ways in his own Diablo Lamborghini racing to the local coven tavern.”
Vox Veritas Gazette reporter Gabriel Angel followed up in January 2021 with the 3 caravans at Fairfield in the SacraDEMento area before they headed home. Before loading on the 3 JumboJets, Gabriel said “Thank you Wise Men for not returning to the Capitol Castle to text and inform Herod where the NEW King was staying with His Royal Family. He’s just a sad little boy that never grew up. He will recall his failings when God removes him from his power lust. The writing IS on the wall.”