Dear Master Colbert:

It has been years since you believed that I exist.  Let me let you in on a little secret: I do!

I must admit it is coal for you this year and for little Danny, one of your writers,  who wrote a very slanderous piece about me.  I put up with a lot; kids pulling my 1600 year old beard, coughing in my face, crying because their moms dump them in my lap.  I take all that in stride because they are kids: precious and alive, more valuable that that little plot of land off the Potomac many call the District of Corruption.  And so many on my naughty list who work for ABCNNBCBS.

Stevie, have you read what Danny wrote? I don’t have a husband, Stevie! I prefer little men to write me letters, not intimate they shove their fist up my butt in front of a warm fire with hot chocolate.  I love hot chocolate and i can’t wipe this image from my ancient mind ever.  Danny, remember nursery school!  Pee pees were not designed to test bowel movements, my young padoin learner.  Nor as a tongue depressor!  EEwwww.  Where’d you come up with this derogatory image of my personal life.  It’s bad enough what comes out of your potty mouth I wouldn’t hold in my white gloved hands.

Stevie, have you ever shoved your tiny fist up another boy’s butt just to get a thrill?  Or sucked on his pee pee as if it was a candy cane until all the color left it?

Boys, words have meaning and lying has consequences.  Bad boy, Danny.  And Stevie, I pray for your soul since you of all people should know better.  Yes, I know your ratings suck and you must dump false witness on your country’s president because you are sadly a very little man.  In more ways than one.  But i still have hope for you.

Yes, Virginia there IS a Santa Claus, and he is me; but no spousal Virgil.

For the record, I am a very busy 4th century bishop from Turkey, Myra to be exact.

Stevie, you might remember in Catholic school about bishops and Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the many saints you studied.  I was one of them: St. Nicholaus of Myra, Kris Kringle, Santa Claus.  I tried to help the needy, like the impoverished father who had  three girls and no dowry for any of them.  And frankly, I prefer Mrs Claus, not Mr., since she is a woman, to be like our God created us in the beginning:  one man and one woman. Maybe, you missed that class with the flu or played hooky that day when Sister Mary from the Perpetual Recreation order was teaching it.

That gossip story about “Santa’s husband” and St Nick getting married to one of his fairy elves is, well, a lie. Harper Collins should be ashamed of themselves, alongside pope Hitler and piss Christ, dung Mary and other “art” projects.  Any 6 year old knows gossip is wrong and saying untrue things about others is naughty cubed.

Stevie, you know what a lie is?  When you tell something that is not true: I have no married couples named “Adam & Steve” at the north pole;  I found out you claimed such when Rushie L put the lie that I have a husband in his newletter.  I was astounded you could have little Danny write for you; I believe you were better than this.  Naughty boys, naughty naughty boys.  When you were four, your mom taught you not to play with other people’s poop and you think it is ok to play inside another little boy’s rectum?   Your little thingee is not a stir stick, nor is Danny boy’s!  Speaking of misused pee pees, make sure you lift the toilet seat before you use it too…I have seen you leaving it down and oh my….ladies just hate that!  Like that Russian golden rain story you talked about on your show, tinkle belongs inside the bowl.  Not on it.

Stevie, neither you, Danny nor your friends are proctologists and shouldn’t do such unsanitary things reserved for 12 years of med school.

Stevie, I don’t look ‘dreamily’ into another man’s eyes; that is preposterous.  I don’t wear gay apparel, though my red and white outfits are retro and imitated around the world.  And if I was to look into the eyes of a masculine Being, it would be my and your and Danny’s Savior, and Father God.

But, not another man OR woman.  I have eyes only for the plump mrs.

From my vantage point in the heavenlies, Stevie, I now know why God designed and created trillions of insects, billions of stars, plants and animals but only ONE man and ONE woman to populate His beautiful earth.

He wanted children to be born into families, what your faith leaders call the ‘domestic church,’ so they could get individual attention and learning, protected from evil, leftist indoctrination and creepy people.  Parents, not paparazzi or professors, have the primary responsibility to educate their offspring.  Certainly not leftist ideologues herding snowflake college kiddies on the Harveywood 101 Freeway on that momentous day: 11-9-16. What insanitary was in those teachers pushing their tykes in front of 18 wheeler tanker trucks going 70 mph, crying and whining as if that lady candidate was off the naughty list.  Believe you me, Slick and his political wife, Hillary may never get back on the nice list and thus why i was perplexed so many followed them like they were gods.

Children, preborn and outside the womb, are precious HUMANS.  Not to be chopped up like a Christmas tree in January for resale.

And no, planned parenthoodlum Dr. Mary Gatter is NOT getting a Lamborghini for Christmas even though she wants one sooooo bad and prices kid parts ($150 for kid hearts in Houston and $715 for kid heads paid by YaleMed) to pay for it.

Yup, like all those young lady doctors little David D caught telling weird devilish things about kids as property not people.  Such as positioning the little darlings with ultrasonic sniper scopes, to get the highest quality hearts and heads following the abortion.  Sickos, super naughties.  Not even coal for them.

Abortionists can be redeemed, as Dr Bruce Nathanson sought forgiveness after 60,000 kills.  Imagine, Jon Dunn gets $420K a year in the OC to kill kids, when satan would do it for free.  Sometimes, I just don’t understand you Americans.

And Stevie, now there are 9 billion souls on earth.  Less the 2 billion your satanic friends kill before they hit daylight.

Stevie, when did you lose your Catholic brain, my young child?  Babies aren’t to be harvested for their parts like your Democrat friends prefer.

These poor black kids were better off on plantations than the satanic altars planned parenthoodlums have on too many street corners.

In the last 40 years, they have killed 20 million black children this way, despite little Jessie Jackson, much younger, saying “Abortion is black genocide”.  My job isn’t always an easy one, comforting so many mothers lied to and told it is no big deal to kill their children before 80 years or 1600 years of life.

My young Stevie, you have noooo idea how many 60 year old women I get letters from, still regret their decision to let satan’s doctors of death invade their vaginas, shoving their ritual knives up them to hack out their kid.  They ask me for a gift I can’t give them: to erase ALL the memory of this tragic decision.  Stevie, IF you had an ounce of class or compassion, you would realize abortion is the gift that keeps on giving…hell to the mothers who lost their children to satan’s helpers.  No, they don’t work in the NorPole workshop.  Just in your backyard Stevie with your blessing.

Yes, I know that is two billion more kids I would have to gift in a few short hours on Christmas eve, but I’m up for it. I’d rather have them alive and writing than dead and red, butchered into choice cuts of heart or head, liver or spleen.  And btw, my WIFE has no beard, thingees or moustache but gives me good hot chocolate to power my 1600 year old self around the world.

So, Stevie and Danny, I am sooo disappointed in both of you.  Now that young Donald has allowed desperate coal miner dads back to their jobs after naughty Barack threw a tantrum and played a practical joke regarding climate change on coal country, there is plenty of bituminous or anthracite I can load up under worldwide naughties’ ChristMass trees.  Barack, even in his long hair, coke and pot smoking days, was a renegade but I had hope he would change.  Never did.

Please ask young Danny to print a retraction.  I do not sleep with a mister and my lovely 1575 year old wife (yes I cradle robbed a woman 25 years younger) is still the apple of my eye.  As a bishop, I have taught people to respect each other and their bodies, and Danny, Stevie or whomever, putting your hands or pee pee where men go to the bathroom is just dumb.  This is why the Tooth Fairy invented bidettes and toilet paper… and Metamucil.

You better watch out…better not pout.   Yes, Stevie, I will show up at your house but no gift will come this way.  UNLESS Danny Boy grows up, recalls what he learned in kindergarten about sanitary activities and retracts that salacious piece.  Last thing I need is more indoctrinated children who believe the climate change hoax and that “Ho Ho Homo” is my new rally cry at the malls.

As adults, you have every human right to do whatever you want with another little boy who is now an adult…as well as the right to talk to God about it when you die.  That’s one meeting I wouldn’t look forward to.

That’s between you and him, or she and she, and when LGGBDTTTIQQAAPP (gender guru’s latest alphabet soup of gender ideology) gets so long all you can do is say NotH! to self design and designate your ‘sexuality’, then nothing will make sense.  In my 1600 years of wisdom, I still prefer the way God designed us.  He seemed to know what He was doing.

I should know: it’s tough enough to figure out Mrs. Claus, let alone all the permutations of LGGBDTTTIQQAAPP.  This ever changing self identification is driving my NorPole workshoppers crazy…my manufacturing manager threatened to quit when I posted the revised categories of boys and girls:  Lesbian, Gay, Genderqueer, Bisexual, Demisexual, Transgender, Transsexual, Twospirit, Intersex, Queer, Questioning, Asexual, Allies, Pansexual and Polyamorous.   He’s had enough trouble working through Apples and Xboxes over the years, let alone setting up pic lists and JIT just in time inventory systems to cover the billions of souls.

Yes, I married up, but the understatement of a lifetime is to say it is easy to understand woman.

Danny boy, please leave me milk and cookies; I’ll leave a family picture proving my mate is not equipped with a pee pee and 5 o’clock shadow.  Oh, and leave a signed copy of your apology and retraction.  Otherwise, nuttin’ but the black fuel for you, my child.  And Stevie, it is ok for you to go back to Mass; confession is still free and life is worth living.

But, about improving your ratings, Stevie, that you asked me for this year; I don’t do that kind of magic.  In fact, I don’t know anyone, Mother Nature, Father Time, the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny, who do.  Especially in your case: the irrelevant list.

+St Nicholaus of Myra

4th century bishop of Turkey